Pushing You Back . . .

Dear Fibro,

I’m becoming increasingly aware of how much I’ve allowed you to make me feel like I can’t, like I’m limited, like I might as well give up and allow depression and pain to defeat me. I’m starting to see through the cracks a little more — to break up the ice of complacency and fight back. I’m a young woman, still have so much to do and see, and I need to stop pretending that it’s OK that sometimes I’m like an old woman hermit — my bedroom becomes like a little cave sometimes.

I’m pushing.

I’m making plans to do more fun things like buying tickets to a Broadway show, or working on getting friends together for an overnight beach trip. You might protest, and I don’t know if you’ll kick up with symptoms when I go to do these things, but I can’t keep saying “no” to the things I want to do just because I’m afraid of how I *might feel. From now on, I’m going to try to say “yes” more and then deal with you in the moment as I go along.

I do hope you’ll be reasonable and just allow these things to go smoothly, but even if you don’t, I’m doing it anyway. Take that.

~Nicole

 

Fibro & Moms

Dear Fibro,

With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, I was having a few thoughts about Moms and Motherhood that I wanted to share with you. One of my friends just had her first little baby boy, which you may already know. I have been amazed to see her fierce love for that little guy, and I’ve been humbled to think that at one point, my own Mom looked into my tiny little face and touched my tiny little fingers and toes.

As you know, I’m not a Mom, and I sometimes worry about whether I really could survive it with Fibro. I mean, isn’t it already difficult enough to feed, clothe, diaper, nurture and love a little human without having to worry whether your body will cooperate on any given day? I know there are heroic women who do it, but it seems so difficult, and my sympathies, congratulations and respect are going out to those women as I’m thinking about this, typing these thoughts to you.

I still hope that some day I might be able to be a Mom, but if it doesn’t happen for me, I hope you’ll continue to teach me to empathize with those who find it to be a struggle for any number of reasons, that you’ll keep my heart from getting stuck in jealousy to the point where I can’t see my ability to bring encouragement and light. Please help me to remember that we’re all on our own unique path with unique high-points, beautiful, scenic vistas and unique low-points, where the way is shadowed and there are thorns in the way.

Today, I am praying for high-points for Moms everywhere,

– Nicole

Thinking Of You

Dear Fibro,

I’m sure you’ve realized that I’ve been trying to ignore you somewhat because I have a lot going on with work and family and friends lately, but you never quite let me ignore. You find a way to creep in whenever it’s convenient for you – like right when I’m in the middle of an important meeting at the office, or right when I’m finally turning out the light at night. I get it – you want attention. I’ll try to stop pushing you away.

I guess (if I’m honest) I know that I need to take time to observe you and give you the care that you need (the care that I need), but I don’t always want to admit it. Sometimes it’s not so easy to balance everything, and I admit that there have been times lately that I’ve felt really overwhelmed (like to the point of exasperated tears), but I will keep moving ahead. I have creative projects I want to work on, people I want to spend time with . . . I have life to be living.

As you know, I have a few weekend trips coming up this month, so I just wanted to ask if maybe you’d try to be cooperative with these plans and allow me to enjoy them (and survive the travel) with relatively little pain and fatigue? Think about it.

– Nicole

Thanks

Dear Fibro,

Thanks for cooperating enough for me to survive New York Toy Fair yesterday. It was good to be able to walk along with some of my co-workers (though at a slow pace) and experience the event. Last year, I wasn’t able to go because you had been acting up so badly! I did end up having to bow out of plans last night after getting home from the day in NYC, and I went to bed in a good bit of pain, but we did it, and I’ll take the small victories. Let’s do even better next year, shall we?

– Nicole