Tomorrow is the first day of Autumn, and I can already feel your slight protests against the chill that’s creeping into the air.
That is why I’m writing you this note in advance–to ask if you would please cooperate with me as we transition over the next few weeks? The daylight hours are already shorter, which can be difficult for my mood and energy levels, so it would be extremely helpful if you would refrain from flaring.
I love Autumn — the crisp air, pumpkins, apples, hay rides, warm cider, time with friends and family. I’ve already planned some getaways and seasonal fun. Let’s enjoy together with no shenanigans from you.
Today, I feel like you are hovering all around me, like you’ve fashioned yourself into a suit of scouring pads, hugging me tightly at every turn. I can’t remove you while you scrub into me. Abrasive to my peace of mind. Bruising me with invisible bruises.
I feel the weight of you with each move I try to make. Whether I sit, stand or lie down, each position brings its own individual challenges — stabs, jabs, or prickles of pain. Shooting pain or radiating pain. A never-ending menu of surprises.
I stare at you in the mirror sometimes, and it’s like staring at myself but more elusive.
This week, I noticed that I have worn a hole in my sheet with restless legs in pain at night.
I have no questions for you now — just making these observations so that I can remember these days.
Today, I want you to remember one thing – I am more than this body. More than pain that shakes me. More than sleep that knocks me out cold for a dozen hours and beyond — more than everything somatic. I am a scandalous cocktail of ideas and feelings and desires. I know that sometimes you aren’t able to open yourself up to considering the bigger picture, to taking this all in. Can you open your arms up wide enough?
You know I’m at a bit of a loss for what to do to lose weight with you around. I’ve gained weight because of the meds I take to try to keep you happy, and I am at an all-time high weight-wise. It’s discouraging. It’s not that I think I need to be a specific size or look a certain artificial way, but I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and it’s been a while since I’ve felt that. Working out is difficult and painful (not surprising, since even simple tasks like showering and doing laundry are difficult and painful), but I am determined to find a way, to blaze a path somehow to step back from this precipice and take responsibility for the numbers and my difficulty with myself on this issue. Will you help me, please?